Story: The Boobs of Aberdeen (2003)

By Brother D. (Bassplayer Brezhnev 2003)

In 2003 I joined the mighty Brezhnev to fill in for departed bassist Frank, and after a mere 5 rehearsals we hit the road, for a run of shows across the EU.
I had never toured with a punkrock band like the 'Nev before, but I don't think any prior experience could've prepared me for the highs, and especially lows, that we were to encounter on this epic journey through the gutters of Europe.

The first few shows I did with the 'Nev in England, we're nothing but good clean fun.
Except for some really nasty food (think pasta with sausage), some killing hangovers,  and a few broken teeth, everything went smooth. Good crowds, friendly people, and big Rock. That is, until we hit Aberdeen, Scotland.

After we finished our gig at the infamous Dr Drake's, due to a lack of dressing rooms, me and Jevin were catching our breaths somewhere in a corner, when some really young girl came up to us with her gigantic tits hanging out, asking us to sign them.
So we did, cos if you've never signed a pair of tits, you can't ever claim a rn'r lifestyle. And shit, these were some ENORMOUS hooters to boot.
Right after this, while we were still chuckling over the fact that Jevin, besides signing her tits, also took it upon him to write "Jevin was here" with an arrow pointing towards her crotch, a quite similar looking, but a little older, really trashy- looking lady approached us, opened her motorcycle vest, let her honkers loose, and asked for the same treatment. We dutifully obliged.
Goddamn, so far on this tour  interaction with the opposite sex had been minimal (we had asked Cuv John to dress up, wear a wig and a bra, but he had passed out before we got to the moment supreme), and now we had we ended up signing a mother and daughter team worth a boobage, needless to say we felt like we finally made it. We could die now, right there, and it would've been all good.
Then shit got REALLY crazy.

Some chick came up to me, telling me that the younger girl who's boobs I had just tagged, fancied me, and told me she was waiting for me by the van, ready to exchange bodily fluids with me.
When I asked her what she was gonna do while me and her well endowed friend were getting it on, she told me that she would like to watch us. Freaky shit.

When i asked her friend how old this girl was she told me she had just turned 17.
Good enough not to get any major guilt trips from the punk police I figured.
As I went over to the van to cash my check so to speak, Oeb called on me to help with the load- in, big boobed, cum-hungry teenage girls or not, so I got my priorities straight, caught a nice sloppy kiss from this band-aid-in-training, and started hauling gear.

As I was clearing the stage, the mom came up to me, and asked me if I was still planning on laying her daughter, cos she, the mother, would really like that.
She told me her daughter was 18 and had her permission to give her body to the handsome bassplayer of the mighty 'Nev.
I was starting to get a little suspicious, with her friend and her mom telling me different things. How old was she really? I mean, with these northern white trash island people, it's hard enough to tell who's the mother and who's daughter, let alone guess someone's true age.

After a little while this troubled looking dude came up to me, pulled me aside, warning me that this girl was in fact 15, and troubled, or at least trouble.
So me being Mr NiceGuy, I went over to the girl, explained her that someone told me that she was 15 and that she would be better off in her little bed with her stuffed animals, instead of in a van with some sweaty punk dude she'd never see again.
Because she'd seen me talking to her mom earlier, she immediately figured that it must've been her mom that told me her real age, so she walked over to her, and for everyone to see just full-on attacked her, screaming, pulling her hair out in big fist fulls.
I got behind Oeb and begged the rest of the band to get me the fuck out of there.
Wich they did, thank god.

Later on the Oebster told me that the mom's boyfriend had offered his woman to him, saying that he would be ok with him fucking the shit out of her, since he was the drummer of such a great band.
Schotland has really nice lakes and such, but the people there are out of their fucking minds.
But if I'd get the chance, I'd go there again, eat their shitty food, sign their humongous knockers, and rock them out real hard. In a heartbeat.